RHS’ Most Monstrous Mullets – Toby C

The mullet. Arguably the worst hair style to plague the planet. RHS has had a purge on these “unorthodox” hair styles, with Mr Dixon announcing a personal vendetta against the so called “business at the front, party at the back ” look. Whether this comes from wanting to protect the school’s image, or from his envy of others’ luscious locks, we will never know…

There has, however, been a select few who have managed to avoid the clippers, somehow smuggling their shaggy locks through daily school life. How long will they last? We do not know. Will Mr Dixon find them? Yes he will. These boys think the game is too easy, so, Mr Dixon, if you are reading, consider this your bounty hunt!

Well without further ado lets look at our first RHS Mullet.

Mullet 1 – ‘Mad Mullet’

What an absolute classic. Short sides. A wild, windswept back. Decent volume of hair. This is an all round solid mullet. A bird could live in it, you could lose a rat in it, and it has that weird and wonderful quality of being slightly repulsive, but oddly hypnotic. On the RHS mullet scale, this ranks a solid 7/10.

Mullet 2 – ‘Timmy Mullet’

Meh. It’s a token effort, but I guess it’s the thought that counts. This mullet screams (meekly) “I want to be rebellious but please don’t punish me”. I mean, are the sides even that short? It’s barely touching the collar. Arguably what is most impressive about the whole photo is the completely smooth cheek! One would think this was a mullet of a lower school boy were it not for the sixth form shirt! Don’t worry though, I am sure the baby face contrasts with the brash hair to create more of an affect in real life. For this, the mystery owner (Noah A, Yr 12, CS House, wannabe prefect) gets a solid 5/10.

Mullet 3 – ‘Grey Mullet’

Where to start? This seems to be just a distasteful hairstyle rather than a mullet, but I can see how the two could be confused. I do appreciate the attempt to contain the mass of hair behind the ear, and the fact that the hair has learned to curl around said ear is very impressive. How could I not comment on the areas of ‘slight discolouration’? These add a certain “je ne sais quoi” to the overall coiffure. You would expect this to belong to a man descending from his prime, but I will have you know this mullet recently bobbed over the Mini Marathon finishing line in 1st place, so I would be careful with your words! For fear of being kicked off the Bubble editorial team, this mullet gets a grudging 6/10.

Mullet 4 – ‘Mullet’s Mullet’

This is beautiful. Mullet to perfection. A gorgeous length at the back, stark contrast to the sides. The thickness! This lucky man doesn’t need a pillow, he has one emanating from the back of his head. Boys, if you are going to go for a mullet, aim for this (*cough* Noah…). This mullet is so good that it almost redeems itself, until you remember that it is still a mullet. Nevertheless, still a well deserved 10/10!

And there I conclude. Boys, good luck keeping that hair for much longer. Mr Dixon is on to you. Personally, I think the punishment should be to keep you walking around with those atrocities on your head, but even Mr Dixon isn’t that cruel.

TC

Leave a Reply