RHS is populated by a great many talented sporting teams. Our rugby team shone strong amongst the top teams in England (until this year), our hockey team has boasted some of the bravest players we’ve ever seen (for ever leaving the house again after losing to Woodbridge..twice), and the cricket team is sure to have a resplendent season in the safe hands of our resident county cricket player. And this is without even mentioning our vast sailing department and all the excellent sailors and trophies that come with it.
But what If I were to tell you there was a small sports team hidden deep within the confines of Nelson. Dormant throughout the year, only appearing when summer dawns on a new season. Yes folks, I am of course talking about the RHS croquet team. A relatively unknown sport, with a team that keeps to themselves. While quiet and short in numbers, legendary talent is shown upon the sacred grounds of Howe green as majesty is shown in the form of hitting a ball with a stick. Though some may claim this is in fact a rather pointless act for a sport, it is in fact the exact same thing that happens in hockey…huh.
In pure fascination, I set myself the task of uncovering more about this secret group of legendary heroes. Little did I know, they were hiding under my very nose. After eavesdropping on some private conversations, I watched in awe as the secret club played their game, skill so raw and pure it blinded me. Through casual questions and ambushing interviews, I have discovered everything I need to know.
The club was created back in the summer of 2019, under the leadership of Sensei Gibbs. Although the original team had five members, they were eager to learn. The club members full identities much remain secret, but I have procured their first names and first letter of their last name. Tom L, Tom F, Roman R, Fred N, and Luke H. While some members left the school, and others were forced out for breaking a croquet mallet, the team stayed strong together.
In the summer of 2022, the team reunited under new leadership after covid. A new coach had joined, and a captain needed to be decided. Tom L, Rom R and Tom F played each other in the game of the century, a fearsome battle that pushed each man to their limit. A game for the gods. In the end their was a clear line of succession. Tom L was crowned with the title of captain, while Roman R slotting firmly into the vice-captain. Tom F was dubbed ‘the peasant’ by the victors (And Mrs Izod came last.)
For a year the team was stable, peace reigned true in the realm. Under the rule of Tom L, the team thrived, inspired by his wisdom, majesty, and incredible skill at the game. Then, disaster struck. An ancient network of bylaws finally came into use, and something considered impossible was actually achieved. Upon the head girls reminder, the laws were put into effect, and the truth came to light. My gods…in all my years ladies and gentlemen I- it’s simply unheard of, I JUST CANT BELIEVE IT-
Anyway, Tom L was forced to retire his captaincy due to undisclosed reasons (I have been threatened with severe maiming via croquet mallet if I share the knowledge.) Although still part of the team, he could no longer remain as leader, and was forced to abdicate to his heir, Roman R. But the natural laws of succession were challenged, as the peasant (Tom F) rose up with a claim to the croquet thrown. Procuring ancient documents forged long ago that named him as leader of the croquet team, a summit was held. After Tom L’s fall from Christ, he demanded each wrote up a statement of why they should take the throne. The decision was hard, but eventually before it all came to croquet mallets, a decision was made.
Roman R would remain captain of the croquet team, commanding the legions in battle against their enemies, while the Tom’s would claim duel roles of Supreme Chancellors, reigning as the overall leaders off the field. With balance restored and peace within the team, they could once again return to Howe green and play their games once more, safe in the knowledge there was no one else to challenge their rule (Luke laughs evilly from Ipswich.)
In an exclusive interview with Roman R, he has asked me to spread the word of the croquet team. Finally looking to come out of the shadows, the team now searches for successors for their glorious rule, now their time is coming to an end.
‘We need strong, powerful and loyal croquet men and women, to come and carry on the legacy of our croquet team’ states captain Roman. ‘And I myself will be personally selecting an heir to lead the new team to victory.’ This quote was then scratched from the record by Supreme Chancellor Tom L, who has stated with definite authority, that the new leader will be decided with a democratic vote.
Tom would also like to announce that they will be holding try outs for the croquet team, and that anyone can come along on a Friday to Howe Green after school and try their luck at the beautiful game.
Although no longer a member due to legal troubles, Fred remains the sponsor for the team and requests that I link his website
Additionally, an Instagram account has been created where you can be updated on the exploits of our daring players.
The croquet team will always be part of RHS, and now you are aware of them, you will see the underground impact they have on our school. They are powerful. Fear them.
Thanks for reading!