The Gym Lad Jungle – Flora Bagnall
The new RHS gym, frequented every day by hordes of young Homo-Sapiens. In this article we will we will take a look at this bizarre environment and show you the gym as you’ve never seen it before.
It’s the beginning of a new week. Enter a new, lone female. She’s decided now that she’s reaching the top of the school it’s time to grow up, which begins with shaping up. She plugs in her multicellular devise to cover up one selfish gym lad’s blaring gangster rap and begins unenthusiastically to warm up for her first set. Little does she know, she’s just interrupted the exercise cycle of a fully grown male who retrieves his weights and walks off in a huff.
Observing from a distance, a lone male is hoping to catch a glimpse of the rare, brave females who have plucked up the courage to step off the treadmills and set foot in the free weights terrain. On this singular occasion the human males spread their arms wide and prance around, much like peacocks and other exotic creatures, with the aim of intimidating other males and, in the process, of catching the attention of the females. However, in a cruel twist of fate, the opposite occurs as the brave females retreat, looking back only with disgust and repulsion.
On the other hand some RHS females choose to stick the free weights out but not with the intention of hooking up with a male. No: they do so to gain the attention they crave in order to reject it in a public show of humiliation.
Amongst all this hormonal carnage is the small herd of Year 10s who agglomerate together around a single exercise machine set at 3kg, taking snap chats of their time at the gym and talking about how ‘shredded’ they’re going to be by the time they reach Nelson.
Across the gym wilderness, one particularly pumped gym lad, buzzing from the recommended allocation of his protein supplement, stakes his claim at the pull-up bar, flailing his fists in the air in an act of primordial dominance, before anointing himself at every piece of available gym equipment. This male has no intention of ever engaging with another male or attracting a mate, so what exactly is his intention, and just how much beefier does he plan to become?
Of course one cannot fail to forget the more vocal group, who yell and grunt to attract attention from the other Homo-Sapiens. Sadly, however, this loud display of noises is their only show of dominance, as their actual performance is severely lacking.
With the 6 o’clock chimes of the clock tower bell and the smell from the DH wafting through the corridors, the daily activity in the gymnasium grinds to a halt. The young head back to their respective caves and dwellings, exhausted by their physical exertion, to rest up and refuel on their high protein diet of chocolate milkshake in babies’ sippy bottles. They will return the very next day to do it all over again, because who needs rest days if you’re a super-human gym-lad? As the moon appears in the sky and the young juveniles study hard in their caves, the adult beasts arrive on the scene, but that’s for next time folks…
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