Does anyone actually buy pens?

Think back to the last time you bought a pack of pens. Have you ever? Think about the pens you use right now… where did they come from?

Despite the lack of pen purchases, on any given Tuesday, hundreds of pens actively glide across paper. Be it solving equations or drafting an essay, most of us use a pen at least once every day. Nobody buys them, yet everybody has one. Where could they possibly be coming from? Who is supplying them to the entire school? And how does one piece of plastic pass through the hands of four year groups and three boarding houses in the span of one week?

Welcome to the secret economy of the lost biro.

In my blazer, I currently have three pens, one of which I remember ‘stealing’ from my English classroom in year 9, another I got from a representative for Birketts during one of the many Careers Fairs, and the last I found the day before an English test in that random drawer in my house that seems to have everything in all at once. Think about the pens you have right now: where did you get them from? How long have you had them?

I would say there tends to be four types of pens. Let me explain. The first I have named The Survivor: a pen you’ve had for a lifetime, no cap, tooth marks at the base, and an ink level so low that you question whether it’s only still working out of spite.

Second, we have The Stolen Gold: aptly named, this wonder of a writing instrument was left on a table for you to find, maybe it’s a gel pen, maybe those erasable ones… whatever it is, the luxury is now yours.

Third, The Oddball: Any random pen, whether it was from a holiday a long time ago or an open morning at a different school, it has stayed with you through thick and thin, brightening your day with that vibrant colour they always seem to have.

Lastly, the one you miss most, The Ghost Pen: a pen you adore, but the second it’s dropped, it grows legs and scurries away under a cabinet, never for you to see again.

How many times have you asked for a pen? How many times have you been asked for a pen? Many… that’s my guess. This simple question starts a life-changing chain of events. Will they give it back? Will they lend it to someone else? What will this pen go on to see? Picture this pen: borrowed in Period 1, lent out in Period 2, left in Period 4, picked up by a teacher in Period 6, lent to their friend at a dinner that night and used to sign the bill at a fancy restaurant. Passing through five pairs of hands and leading to a waiter getting a 10% tip. One might even reject the notion of pen theft; instead, we should choose to adopt a more lenient view – a massive, accidental pen-sharing economy.

Thinking back to my days in GCSE geography, talking about natural resources, I realised that behind every radiator, desk or cabinet at the back of the classroom, is an infinite resource of pens… the odd ruler chucked in there too. I think that if the school went into some sort of pen recession, a quick scavenge of these areas would get us right back up to capacity.

To conclude, I would like to thank that one legendary pupil that bought a 50-pack of Bics at the start of the year and is single-handedly boosting our academic output as a school. Please just look at your pen now, you might think it’s yours, but you need to simply accept that it’s not… we all know it.