STEM Battle Royale – Noah A

I, like I know many of you have, often spend time thinking about who would win in a fight to the death between each science department. Now, I know what you’re thinking; “Noah you’re just copying Jaz’s squid games articles”, and to that I say shut up. So, here it is, the story of a lifetime, the battle of battles, the struggle of struggles; STEM, Battle Royale.

It was a sunny morning at school, but the mood swiftly shifted as the clock struck 9. Mr Corbould, walking into Ms Rouse’s classroom, saw scrawled on the whiteboard, the value of acceleration due to gravity written as 9.81 rather than 9.8. Unfortunately, Mr Corbould wasn’t in a good mood so was left with no choice but to declare war on Physics. For the fun of it, the Chemistry and Biology departments also joined in and within less than 10 minutes of the day starting, the East side of the school block erupted into violence and bloodshed.

A meme found in Ms Rouse’s desk drawer

Unfortunately, the first to go was Mr Terry. Off of the back of a resounding squid games victory, he attempted to join the battle insisting that economics was a science. Mr Dixon quickly reminded him that it was a “SOCIAL science” before locking him in the fume cupboard indefinitely. Following this, the chemists quickly banded together and started filling balloons with hydrogen as makeshift bombs before igniting them in the faces of Dr Gibbs and Ms Rouse, stunning and incapacitating the physicists, who were promptly wheeled away and forced to perform 5000 titrations. As luck would have it, letters found in Ms Rouse’s desk show that the Physics department was trying to obtain weapons grade uranium, so fortunately were taken out before their plans were put into fruition.

Meanwhile, the mathematicians were furiously formulating a masterplan. Ms Fenwick was rigorously calculating the probability of success of attacking Chemistry or Biology first, all the while Mrs Christison and Mr Corbould were trying to work out how fast a lorry of mass 20000kg would have to be travelling to completely destroy the biology department. Suddenly, Mrs Botley tackled Mr Eales to the ground, who rounded 9.45 to 10 instead of 9. This mutiny was handled by Mr Graham, who forced Mr Eales to complete 12 UCAS personal statements an EPQ and then started singing “Reach for the Stars” which rendered the prisoner deaf AND blind! After hours of brainstorming, treachery and getting sidetracked by trying to prove the binomial theorem, the maths department had come up with nothing and was left vulnerable to attack. But from who..?

Artist’s rendition of Mrs Bottley attacking Mr Eales

Amongst all the drama, no one had noticed the absence of the biology department. Dr Clayton and Mrs Stevens hadn’t been seen for hours, and Mr Corby and Mr Raybould were only seen at 11am ambushing and abducting a year 7! What were they doing? Why hadn’t they made a move?

With the Physics department ousted early before their nuclear rampage, a maths department crumbling from the inside and a mysteriously quiet Biology department, it looks as though The Chemists are going to come out on top…or will they`?

All will be revealed in next weeks Finale!

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