A Covid Crisis? Toby To The Rescue – Toby C
Yes, unfortunately, it is covid. Some of you may remember Noah telling you it wasn’t at the beginning of the year. Once again, and as usual, he was wrong. Don’t worry Noah, we will try our hardest not to blame this spiking of covid cases on you…
But there’s the truth of it. Covid has popped our RHS Bubble (pun intended). What can we do about it? Because so many of you look up to me and my bravery in tackling RHS Atrocities, I felt it was my duty to equip you all with the tools to tackle Covid. So, in this article is all you need to know on how to stay safe. I can almost hear your cheers echoing in my ears “protect us Toby, we love you Toby, Save us Toby!” and to that I reply “Ok. Fine”. My brief remark does not stem out of indifference, it is just that writing a bubble article to save all of humanity takes a lot of effort, so at least try to follow my superior guidance.
Now, the best piece of advice I can offer you is to run for your life. Yes, I am being serious; if you are constantly running Covid can’t catch up with you. This I think will be the way to beat the pandemic. If everyone is sprinting constantly, no one will catch covid, or rather, covid wont be able to catch anyone. I plan to have a meeting with the SMT later in the week to highlight this science to them. Obviously, minor adaptations would need to be put in place to always keep on the move, for instance everyone would need to be in sports kit, and we would also need to be fed enough food to have the energy to run around constantly! But, apart from that, I don’t see any major issues with this preventative measure. Get your trainers on and get moving! Due to its lack of feet, Covid surprisingly isn’t very fast (unless it is coming out in your rapid breaths). This is where we have the advantage. The other piece of advice I would give if you choose to protect yourself with the sprinting method is that you don’t have to be faster than the quadriplegic virus, you just have to be faster than your mates.
instead of drinking bleach, which is completely absurd, and so American, drink Ribena. you know how if you leave a concentrated bit of Ribena out flys and wasps get stuck in it and die? Well the same thing actually happens with Covid! It’s incredible. The virus gets trapped in a sticky slob and comes to a very grim and deserved death. I would recommend half a bottle a day. The more the merrier really. You want to line your throat with the purple liquid just to be safe. The only downside to this method of protection is diabetes, but the choice is completely up to you!
If sprinting isn’t for you, nor is chugging a bottle of Ribena, not to worry! Maybe swimming is? Similarly to its lack of feet, Covid appears not to possess lungs! I know this sounds outrageous, but have you ever seen a covid win a 100 meter IM swimming race? Obviously not! They just don’t have the lung capacity (or any lung for that matter) to even attempt such a race. Therefore, if you are a bit of a water baby, jump in the pool and hold your breath, covid wont get you there! N.B, please remember to come up for short but vital breaths of air, The Bubble holds no responsibility for the death by asphyxiation.
Not a a runner or a swimmer? Grab a bike! Due to lack of hands, covid isn’t able to change the size of the saddle on a bike, and therefore cant ride one. All you have to do is ride away into the sunset to keep safe.
In actual fact, for ultimate safety, you should take part in a triathlon. This will guarantee you complete protection against the virus. You can thank me later.
However, in all seriousness, we need to do all we can to minimise the spread of the virus at the moment, because I want to be able to belt out some absolute bangers in the Carol service! Oh and going home for Christmas would be nice too. So remember, hands, face, space, as our ex-health secretary said (and you will know followed bar the last word if you’ve seen The Sun’s clip). Protect our bubble and read The Bubble!
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