A Satirical Segment: Mosquitoes – Toby C

A Satirical Segment: Mosquitoes – Toby C

I love mosquitos. You laugh, but they are so cool. I am talking Elton John cool. I am talking “finding out that your english teacher who went to Oxford actually used to be in a band” type cool. 

Your average dog doesn’t suck your blood and inject you with numbing saliva does it? I think most of this “hate” mosquitos get comes from an area of ignorance, like so much hate in the world does. It is our job in society to educate others to ensure there is no place for prejudice among man, woman or insect. The first stage to growth is accepting your previous faults, and I hope that as you read this you are reflecting on your past actions of abuse against my bloodsucking friends. From this acceptance, you can learn and move forward, and one day I hope we can live in a world where there is no mosquito repellent, prejudice, hate speech, or tutor period before chapel! This is my dream, and therefore I take it upon my broad shoulders (yes, I gym) to tell you a little bit about these beautiful monsters. 

Firstly, let’s talk about the elephant in the room, or, should I say, the parasite in the saliva glands. Yes, while all malaria is transmitted by mosquitos, it is important to remember that not all mosquitos transmit malaria. This stereotyping is so degrading and tiresome. I don’t assume that every human I meet is infected with some horrible disease, its not as though we use precautionary physical protection like face masks, like we do mosquito nets, or force people to keep their distance, which is the function of mosquito repellent. Imagine how crazy the world would be if we just assumed that every time we spoke to someone we would get ill. I think it is unfair that we just assume that your average mike ( that’s equivalent to “joe” in mosquitos), carries a shedload of diseases like yellow fever, Dengue, Zika, West Nile and of course malaria. Yes, while there is a chance of all these diseases killing you, worrying is just like a broken pencil, pointless! My flippancy is not an attempt to make you feel that your emotions are invalid, it is just that I have no statistics that back up my argument which is thoroughly inconvenient, and most likely due to the biased nature of research favouring the side of fear mongering Big Farmer capitalists, who corrupt research for the benefit of their wallets and to the detriment of mosquitos! 

So here is the truth about mosquitos:

  • Only female mosquitos bite and drain your blood. Once again we see this reoccurring theme in nature of women being powerful bloodthirsty monsters and I think by drawing parallels between mosquitos and humans with these sort similarities really helps to break down the barriers between us and the insect world.
  • When you kill a mosquito (heaven forbid) and you see blood on your hands, that is not the mosquitos blood, that, in actual fact, is the blood of another human that was being stored in its stomach. For all you squeamish people out there this is another deterrent to taking away the precious life of a mosquito, unless of course you want to be caught red handed.
  • The average mosquito would be terrible in the olympics. This is one of the hard truths that I have had to face. We aren’t all gods and everything has its flaws. This, unfortunately, is the achilles heel of a mosquito. They can’t throw javelins or ride bikes, let alone run 100 meters. However, I think by acknowledging their weaknesses we see how truly vulnerable these beasts are, and although they are technically the deadliest animal in the world it melts my heart to think that these beautiful buzzing insects will never be able to compete in world class sport. 

I hope your eyes have been opened to the dire inequality of the world in which we live in. I pray that you will join my cause to make this a more inclusive global society. Lastly, I want you to reflect on wether you would put man before mosquito, when by now you realise it should be mosquito before man. 

1 comment

comments user
Vannah

I wonder if you’ll be saying this when you have an incredibly annoying itching sensation due to a bite from your average Mike’s girlfriend!