An Unorthodox Guide to Spending the Summer as an Only Child – Lucy Wong
With the holidays fast approaching, everyone is busy planning all the fun they’re going to have.
However, I know a small minority of you aren’t actually as excited as the rest – whether it’s because your friends from RHS live far away, you’re bad at making new friends because you’re too shy (or, you have an awful personality – like me.) Whatever the reason is, you’ve stumbled across the right article.
Truth is, summer can get pretty boring now that we’ve reached the age where playing hopscotch and making mud pies are no longer as amusing as it once was. So, I’ve gathered some useful tips for you, considering I have abundant experience from being an only child and living in a rural area.
Step 1. Fix your attitude
To begin with – I know it’s hard not to feel salty when your friends are all having fun together without you. But don’t try suppress your feeling of passive aggressiveness. Instead, express your frustration creatively.
Thinking of having a barbecue or trying out a new hobby? Stop. No. Stop considering it – why do anything sensible or refined that your parents would approve of? You should be as irrational as you can when tackling your boredom, try to think outside the box.
Step 2. Go to the zoo – except, make sure to bring an animal back
Many think zoos are organisations that fundamentally violate animal rights and are at core, unethical. If you believe so, then you should go to the zoo and rescue an animal to bring back to your loving home. And by that, what I actually mean is at least one animal, you may decide to aim higher for two/four/six/eight – the more the merrier.
Preferably something small and docile, like elephants. Or lions.
Alternatively, you could choose to do a home-swap with one of the animals. Get one back to your house while you climb into their enclosure. Voilà! Your parents now have a llama instead of a child.
(side note: if you think these feats are too basic for you, I challenge you to pull it off in an aquarium.)
Step 3. Eat in a restaurant and don’t pay
I myself have never attempted this one before because surprisingly, I’m not too keen on the idea of getting arrested – like, it’s not really my thing, personally…But rules were made to be broken, so firstly arrange an accomplice and find a restaurant – the fancier the better. Once you finish your unnecessarily expensive meal, pretend to get into a fight with each other (see, this is where all the drama lessons in yr7, 8, and 9 come in handy). Hopefully, you will be kicked out for the commotion you are causing and they will forget all about the bill. Afterwards, carry on with your day.
Sources reveal that John Lennon and Paul McCartney supposedly did this in Liverpool in their early days, when The Beatles weren’t making enough money for them to pay – so be proud as you are following in the footsteps of great men.
(side note: remember not to overdo your fake fight because getting involuntarily hospitalised isn’t fun. Safety first.)
(also, if you fail at this stunt and end up with crippling debt for the rest of your youth, then – sorry.)
Step 4. “If you can’t convince them; confuse them.” -Truman
Being a practical joke enthusiast but unfortunately an only child, my poor parents have therefore been the subject of numerous crude pranks. This one is primitive, but a classic.
If your parents won’t let you throw a party, don’t throw one while they aren’t home. Instead, when they’re away, get all the furniture and shift it – but only the tiniest bit, the most minute fraction – maybe just a few centimetres or so in the same direction. This way, the change is large enough to make a difference yet so subtle that it is barely noticeable. Make adjustments if need be in order to accentuate the effects.
Now, sit back and enjoy as your parents arrive home and start bumping into the furniture everywhere. I guarantee you, they will slowly but surely start to lose their minds and descend into madness – as they will be used to having the furniture in an ever-so-slightly different place, but will be unable to pinpoint exactly where things are different.
Lastly, if you are to get into trouble for following any of the suggestions proposed in this article, please do not quote me, thanks. Have a great summer! 🙂
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