“Dear Auntie Dom,
I have recently been experiencing a rather irritating problem. I constantly feel like a lobster. You know, red, bloated, an exoskeleton which is impenetrable to any human emotion. I really do hope I’m not the only one experiencing this, could you give me any advice?
Crustacean in Crisis”
I am truly sympathetic with your tragic condition – I too often find myself bloated and impenetrable. To deal with your persistent redness, all you need is to change your attitude and see your colourful exterior as a rosy glow; strong independent ‘crustaceans’ like yourself need to embrace who they are, not feel ashamed. Equally, perhaps you need a better concealer? In regards to your constant bloating, a juice cleanse would help to clear the body and mind of all toxins (tread lightly around this, however, as flatulence will inevitably follow when ridding the body of the gas which causes the bloating, and this could intensify your redness). Finally, the problem of your tough exterior was a hard one to crack, however I believe I have come to a reasonable conclusion; rather counterintuitively, you should have some you time. Soon, you will miss the attention one imagines a literate lobster receives, and you will gladly return to those who surround you with open arms…or legs…or maybe claws? Whatever the case, you’ll certainly be happy.