Greatest hockey team since last year – Max A

As we all know the boys first hockey team boasts 14 of RHS’s fittest and strongest, with skills so refined it takes a slow mo camera to even capture our prowess. Second team players train for hours in the hopes of even being spotted by Mr Batman, but so far none have succeeded *cough* Davies and Taylor *cough*. But who are the first hockey team, and what secrets lie behind the chiseled muscles and perfect hair? Let’s take a look…

The Wall- Max A
Whoa whoa whoa, why do we always start with the keeper?
I love to subvert the norms, so let’s give the substitutes some love and go through them first instead.

The bench, where players rest and reflect on their many many mistakes

The Rugby Player- Alex C
Position- Half back
Strength- Deflecting short corner shots into eyes
Weakness- Trapping the ball on the sideline
Alex plays a crucial role as the only other defender who can actually run. He does, however, find himself running a bit too far away from his position, and then is yelled at often to sprint back. He makes up for this however in the fact that any attacker who tries to get physical very soon finds himself being floored by Alex’s aggressive play style.

Alex C

The Inconsistent One- Leo S
Position- Midfielder
Strength- Taking on five players in the space of ten seconds before smacking it out of play
Weakness- Has five good moments per game, the rest belong in the 3rd team
Leo is the most confusing player I have ever has the misfortune to watch. One moment he is making last minute tackles and sending beautiful passes across the pitch, the next he forgets the sport and starts kicking the ball and falling over.

Leo S

The Sniper- Ned N
Position- Winger
Strength- Fast runs and powerful crosses into the D
Weakness- Getting his shots on target
A new edition to our roster this year, Ned brings a great deal of skill to our front three lineup. Saying this, I would issue fair warning to the crows that like to gather near the hockey field, I’m afraid the farmers shotguns are not the only dangerous projectile likely to come your way.

Ned N

Now that the subs are out of the way, let’s look at the most dangerous scoring front three since prime 2016 Barca.

A bad quality photos of our attackers streaming towards the goal

The Rocket- James P
Position- Striker
Strength- Hitting the ball really hard against the fence in training
Weakness- Hitting the ball really hard in the goal during a game (and open goals)
After shocking us all with his new hairstyle at the beginning of the season, James has kept up his professional repertoire by constantly running to collect the ball and promptly being tackled. Additionally, we have had to be on top alert during push back, as he has a tendency to pass it straight off the baseline. However, should he find himself in an empty D with any competent defender, let all men and women fear the wrath of his skills, for he will break your ankles (he has broken mine).

James P (Oof sorry James)

The Silent Scorer- Finn K
Position- Attacker
Strength- Tap ins
Weakness- Passing after completing a dazzling dribble
A new addition to the team this year, and though not accustomed to saying much, his presence up front is loud enough to make up for it. With the combined agility of both of my full backs, Finn will dart around the pitched like an arrow. Though not particularly receptive to the phrase ‘move the ball’, if the ball is ever rolling slowly towards the goal line, you can be sure he will be there to finish the job.

Finn K

The Passer- Archie L
Position- Winger
Strength- Performing ten skill moves in the space of a second
Weakness- gets skilled up himself incredibly easily
The next piece in the Lockyer puzzle, the blonder brother joined us this year to show off his speed and skill upfront. While he doesn’t always register when the ball goes past him, we were all overjoyed by the generosity by which he selflessly passes the ball to other attackers…….

Archie L

Our front three this season having been popping in goals whenever they feel like it, but who sets them up? Who gives them the glorious balls to attack, while also sprinting back to help out the defense. Lets go meet the midfielders.

Another bad photo, really sorry guys blame the school TikTok account

The Captain- Ollie C
Position- Midfielder
Strength- drag flicks and 3D runs
Weaknesses- sobriety
Taking up the mantle of Captain for his final year, Ollie has led us all to many successful games and has united the team under his mentorship and leadership skills. On the pitch he can often be found anywhere you need him, be it in a last ditch tackle, or finishing a blinder in the D. Although his classic ‘AGH’ can be heard by everyone when he makes a mistake, this rarely happens, and when you are drawing in the final minute, his short corner skills go up immensely.

Ollie C

The Enforcer- Jaime MC
Position- Midfielder
Strength- Physicality
Weakness- Lack of stick control (often found flying out of hands suddenly)
The second corner of the midfield triangle is taken up by the all round sportsman Jaime, and although he says hockey is his least favorite of the three sports, I struggle to see why. Chasing back attackers when he loses possession and showing them just who they took the ball off is a common sight for any spectator, and god forbid you decide to make him your mark during the game…you will not survive.

Jaime MC

The Goalscorer- Noah A
Position- Midfielder (Should be striker)
Strength- finding space to run into
Weakness- shooting forward
Completing the year 13 midfield is my fellow bubble editor Noah, a veteran of the firsts and although his hairstyle has been found to drift, his play-style never wavers. A maestro in the midfield, taking and receiving blinding passes, his real strength lies in his attacking prowess and shooting ability…what’s that Tom?…. he hooked it 90 degrees left straight into your knee!…FROM A STRAIGHT SHOT AT GOAL?! Well um, anyway. Despite his erratic tendencies, his volley skills have been shown as absolutely remarkable……….

Noah A

Phew, almost there. Here come the walls of defense, bred from birth to be quick, strong and fearless. My last line of protection…

The mighty defense ready for a short corner

The Short-Corner Giver- George A
Position- Left back
Strength- good control on the sidelines
Weakness- back sticks and feet
The new defender in our ranks, George has well earned his place in the firsts with powerful balls across the back and a strong stick to disrupt those wingers. Notable moments include trapping the ball with the wrong side of his stick right in front of the umpire and an absolutely godly deflection into the bottom corner, with the keeper not knowing which way to go…….wait it was his own net? Oh yeah I remember that one……

George A

The Runner- Tom L
Position- Half back
Strength- Recovering the ball when he’s tackled
Weakness- Fumbling the ball in the D
The other half of the Lockyer duo and another Bubble editor, Tom rounds up our half backs. Enough stamina to last ten games total, he runs at full pelt for most of the game. While he chooses to make his mistakes in perhaps the worst places possible, he makes up for most of them with incredible bursts of skill, such as defending a 3 on 1 then sprinting up the pitch to nearly score a goal.

Tom L

The Pinger- Muiris CT
Position- Full back
Strength- God like defender
Weakness- crippling addiction to aerials
Ah Murish, what to say? Possibly the best tackler on the field at any point in time, very few can get past him and his extremely long arms. Pushing up however is a different matter. Whether its slinging a pass straight into a waiting stick, passing it back to the keeper, or accidentally kicking it with his size 15 feet in the D, we always have a reason to scream MURISH!

Murish CT

The Chat God- Cam P
Position- Full back
Strength- great instincts and plays out well
Weaknesses- speed
Often a more forward defender, Cam will let you know he’s there the moment you try and attack. Using the ancient technique of ‘chat’ against the opposition, he sits comfortably in their heads throughout the game, causing many a mistake and foul. A solid defender overall, his only weakness is the slight lack of acceleration running towards the ball (I’ve never seen him reach it before the attacker…ever).

One more to go…hated writing about this guy.

Keeper watching the game like a hawk…

The sieve- Max A
Position- Keeper
Strength- Flick saves, smothering and overall aggressiveness
Weakness- Doesn’t stay in the goal
Ah what to say about the role of a keeper. A strange breed, often associated with the outcasts and weirdo’s on a hockey team. Star player one moment and team failures the next, it takes a lot of mental strength to suffer antagonizing defeats week in week out, knowing that only if you were a little bit better, they may have been averted. Well at least that’s what I assume its like for most keepers, I never let in any goals. Clean sheet all the way baby.

Max A

There we have it, the first team and all our players. If your still reading, well done, and I’ve included a couple extra due to peer pressure and blackmail.

The Superhero- Mr Batmann
Position- Manager/Coach
Strengths- Used to be amazing, shouting really loudly, putting up with us
Weakness- Rochdale fan
Batmann stays with us through thick and thin…mostly thin of course, but all the better for him. Constantly frustrated, key quotes include ‘HEIGHT’, ‘MOVE THE BALL’ and ‘DON’T FORCE IT’. Needless to say, without him we would not be in the glorious undefeated position we are currently in, all thanks goes to to the Batmann.

Coach watching with immeasurable displeasure

The Injured- Charlie A
Position- Hospital Bed (attacker)
Strengths- Almost scored the goal of the century
Weaknesses- Played two games then left
Oh Char, where oh where is our striker? After the much anticipated return of the king, Charlie made a short debut where he almost scored a screamer, before deciding that his back hurt a little bit and decided to leave to protect his precious cricket career. Its been tough without you buddy…hope it was worth it.

And there we have it, with a current ratio of 3 wins to 5 losses, a goal difference of -8 and 3 games to go, the firsts are well on track to their unbeaten totally clean sheet season that is 100% going to come to reality.

Thanks for reading guys.

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