What does Facebook actually do with all your information?

Current affairs Lifestyle Georgia Folkard-Smith April 27, 2018 0 Comments

Mark Zuckerberg and his team have discovered some truly disturbing and wonderful things about mankind (or at least the 2.2 billion monthly active users of the social networking platform). But what do they do with all the information just handed over to them by the public?? Here are a few ideas:

Have you ever put your phone number on Facebook? Well expect to be getting a few weird phone calls and texts ‘cause you know that FB staff are just using those to get out of going on a date with a weirdo.
Ever been tagged in a photo which you really don’t want online? You may have removed the tag but start causing trouble and that unwanted photo is going straight to your parents!
Be careful what you say over Facebook Messenger because the staff are huge fans of having competitions to see who can find the most brutal roasting, or the most ridiculous argument, or the strangest discussion.
And anything you say which is sickeningly sweet or just downright weird? Soon to be released: a line of cards for all occasions from Facebook headquarters will use your very own words against you!
Ever made a racist, homophobic, or just extremely rude comment? Facebook has you on their hit list, so watch your back.
Same goes for the terrorists.
Someone claiming that they accidentally poked you? There are no accidents on Facebook, the staff just think you’ll make a cute couple.
Posting photos showing your unhealthy lifestyle? There’s a reason those diet ads keep coming through. Thanks Facebook.
Those theories about Mark Zuckerberg being an alien or a robot haven’t disappeared for no reason (he has the power, yet he leaves them? He just wants to spread the truth).
Maybe Zuckerberg is harvesting information for his own kind as a way of studying us?
Parents posting pictures of their baby? Yeah they’re the photos which the staff use as conversation starters at dinner parties.
Look at all those events you’re invited to! It’s be a shame if it were to pop up on the timeline of one of your friends who hasn’t been invited…
Perhaps it is just seeking to do good? Do they have people specially employed to trawl the site for those who have been ‘feeling sad’ or ‘feeling down’ or ‘feeling depressed’ so that they can fill their feeds with photos of helplines, memes and clips from The Office?
Are they being paid by celebrities to see how often they’re being talked about?
Is Mark Zuckerberg a messenger from God sent down to monitor our habits in this age of technological advance?
Ever checked your horoscope to see what those saucy stars have in for you? Well Zuckerburg has their eyes and ears everywhere and Mars is not in your favour.
That one embarrassing photo from year eight that seemed like a good idea at the time, (too much eyeliner/hair gel, awkward over the head angle etc.), no matter how hard you try to delete it, FB knows who you are, and what you want, and they will find you; and they will kill you before they let that happen.
They know what you said about your grandma posting the same picture of her ripe courgette harvest from four different angles. Grandma will never feed you again.
‘Happy Birthday from all us at FaceBook!’ A kind message, but if it’s so rich why aren’t we getting cards in the post? There’s no doubt that they know where we live.
Perhaps Facebook is using its knowledge of our relatively newfound obsession with online validation to distract us from the very real and go rowing issues around the world because it wants to cause chaos