A Glimpse Into My Mind – Toby C

Most of you probably haven’t noticed, but I am incredibly arrogant and obnoxious when it comes to writing bubble articles. The main reason most of you won’t have noticed this is because honestly, how many of you would have read more than one of my articles? I do this arrogant obnoxious thing because it really helps to be impersonal and fake; it feels safer. 

The paragraph above is riddled in Irony, firstly, I say this is a glimpse into my mind but I still have the very large protection in the first place that only a handful of people will bother to read this. The second bit of irony that really makes me laugh is that I have published a “memes of the week” this week, which I’m sure will get a lot more views, and that article is a perfect reflection of the facade I have as a bubble editor.

Every one of my pieces this year has been light hearted and jovial, but thats not to say I always am; you can probably pick that up from the tone of this piece. It’s not that I feel sad, in fact I rarely am upset, but I do spend a large part of my life feeling indifferent. I want to describe that feeling as empty but in its own queer way this “empty” feeling is incredibly heavy. It sort of sits in my stomach like a ball of lead. I can function fine with it there but it means that, for a while at least, I can only take things at face value. I eat to live. I drink to live. I do prep because I have to. But, very quickly this leads me into a spiral of questions, “wait, why do prep?” Because you don’t want to get in trouble. “Why does that matter?” because your teachers will help you pass your exams. “Why do you need to pass exams?” That doesn’t make you live happier. In fact, everything you know and adhere to is just a fictitious construct of society and none of it really matters.

Let’s stick with calling it indifference though, for the sake of clarity. It doesn’t matter that nothing matters, and I think that’s the scariest part. Even with this (very logical) realisation that I come to most nights, I still get up in the morning, put on my uniform, and behave like the well trained pet that I am known to be. This isn’t out of force, it is still choice, but the feeling of indifference stems from bundling through life knowing that everything is tangibly surreal.

In that paragraph I’m sure I have lost a lot of you, or at least maybe 3 out of the 5 of the people who read this. That is no bad thing. There is nothing wrong with indifference, but if you got lost it means you are still under the illusion of life and that is one of the most incredible gifts ever. It means that it does matter. And for those of you who are going “what is this mad guy on about” then to you I say it does still matter. Stop reading this weird article that I am writing at midnight with a foggy head and go drink in the illusion incase it too fades for you. 

“Ignoring is not the same as ignorance. You have to work at it”

The Handmaids Tale

I would say that I am a happy person in general, but in order to be happy I have to actively ignore the fact that most things in life are futile. “Ignoring isn’t the same as ignorance. You have to work harder.” That’s from ‘The Handmaids Tale’, and I wouldn’t go as far as to say that this is a dystopian world that we live in, but the point I am trying to get across (Ha! More irony) is that staying happy is an active process. This “ignoring” takes energy and effort. I think life would be much easier if I were ignorant, but as long as I am able to pretend that things matter, well then I can continue to be the happy and content person that I outwardly project.

You are now at the end of a very convoluted article, probably wondering what the hell I am on about; and if you find the answer to that question please let me know. I have been called a cynic, even a nihilist, but I don’t think I am either of those things. I think I am someone who values happiness over the truth. I think problems start if you “take the red pill”, I don’t want to leave the matrix, because its much darker once you do. 

1 thought on “A Glimpse Into My Mind – Toby C

  • December 7, 2021 at 2:41 pm

    Toby, is happiness an extended phenotype which has evolved to increase the chances of the survival and propagation of the selfish gene?

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